I free myself from all destructive thoughts.
I remember calling my dad one day and him sharing the analogy that I was the creator or film maker of my movie called life. I got to choose each day who I would allow to be up on my stage. At this time in my life I had been divorced for about 1 year and had been dating someone that I thought I loved and he had convinced me he loved me too. But I had just found out had been cheating on me with someone for months. So much goes through your mind when this becomes part of your journey. I had all that I had put under the rug since the divorce come flying back out. Never let myself feel the emotions of my divorce, pressures of my new business , college perfectionist, and leaving a religion and losing connection to many friends and some family.
Looking back on it I would say I had hit rock bottom and felt completely hopeless that I would ever be happy again. My anxiety was to the point that I was saying I am ok just in this moment to help me stop the panic attacks. I was going 2-4 nights some weeks without sleeping and by the end of the 6th month I had hit my breaking point. I was done with life. My mind was saying this is never going to end and so you might as well check out. My daughter had decided the night before that she was not going to school because it was testing for another grade and she wasn't required to go. Everything happens for a reason I believe because as I had picked up the phone and said, "Daddy I need you! Please come help me! Send mommy to take care of me! Please my mind is telling me to end my life. I need you daddy!" Now I rarely say daddy but probably have not said 'mommy' since I was in grade school. My dad asked me if I was alone and I walked to my daughters room and there she was. He wanted me to call my Dr. whom had prescribed me anxiety medicine the day before and to keep Ashlyn by my side. At this point looking at my daughter my mind had kicked in to what am I thinking I have children. I can't do this to them. I got off the phone and called my doctor and they sent me to what I thought was an emergency clinic. With my daughter by my side I walked into what I would find out later was a mental clinic. As I walked down the hall I saw people that looked like zombies walking the halls and recalled the years I worked as the recreational therapist at a mental clinic during my college days. I was taken to a room to be evaluated and when the nurse walked out I looked at my daughter and said we are walking out of here now! I think I almost ran out of there with her, definitely a fast paced walk and when I arrived home I went into my bedroom and prayed. I said, "I can not take anymore of this!" It was a very sincere and intense prayer. What happened next was one of the most spiritual experiences I had had up to that day. It was as if my room became brighter with my eyes still closed and I was told that I had been taken through this hopelessness for a purpose. That there would be those that would be coming into my life that I would help and I would be able to have true empathy for them now.
So much I have learned since then and have the deepest feeling of gratitude for what I was told in my darkest moment has led me in a different direction in my life. I have had so many seek me out not understanding why until our first sit down conversation. I have been intuitively guided with each of them and I try to hold it together as I sit there and see the bigger picture of why they are seeking my help. With each person I focus on their soul and listen and I have had moments with each one and still do that I see how to help them the very best.
So I go back to my dad's advice of who can be on your stage each day. For some I will say if you have someone that is toxic in your life, even if it is your sister, you have to choose peace and love for yourself and choose your actors and actresses in your daily movie wisely.
I want to share a visual with you. Picture you being the director of your life movie like my dad said. Your past experiences are just movies although some may feel like full on 6 seasons and 8 episodes of chaos later haha, because you replay them so many times in your head. When you go out in public and around family you are continuously telling them the highlights of your movie as if it just came out and is at the movie theatre. How monotonous would it be for you to keep picking those same dvd movies or your chaotic tv series and watching them over and over when you know you would never do that with a let's say the movie "A Letter in a Bottle." "Hey everybody sit down and let's watch the movie 'Letter in a Bottle' again as your family walks in the door.
Instead start making a movie that makes you laugh, brings peace and is one of living in this moment as if you have been given a new life. There is so much out there to find beauty in, to be grateful for and enjoy. Watching the same movie of loss or sadness, betrayal or whatever has hurt you, only takes away from the peace and joy you can create right now in this moment. The bigger picture to ask yourself and honestly answer, would be do you really want to sit down on your couch each day and say I just have 3 movies to choose from because I like to repeat the same thoughts each day that cause me emotional pain and I am going to stay a victim in my movies instead of a creator of a better life for me, an amazing on going movie of living a passionate life and loving myself along the way.